Date: 30/09/10 05:33:53 pm Title: Chapter 1
Okay, you still need some tuning up to do. The second chapter was alright since Aria isn't Mary Sueish anymore, and you can see that she has this nice underlying streak underneath (though for Artemis, you have to search very, very deeply for that XD), but you still need to go over your story every now and then.
1. (Yes, I'm actually numbering it because I feel that numbering is less pain on the eyes and because it's so much easier for me to sort around. T_T Yes, I fail). Be sure to check now and then for grammar. It's usually those small little things like a misplaced comma that change the context of the sentence entirely, and maybe the past-present-future tense thing. In this case, I pretty much urge you to use Microsoft, mainly because it does most the grammar work for you.
2. Spelling. I admit I see almost no spelling problems, other than definantly, which should be spelled definitely. That's your only problem I seem to be able to remember (Points to self: Short-term memory loss person), and aside from that, hooray! :D
3.OOCness......Jk, jk. You barely have any problems here. Just go over Artemis's dialogue parts now and then and make sure it actually may be something Artemis may say, unless the situation demands it. I know. If I was punched in the nose, I would've said the exact same thing as Artemis, except 'gawd' would be more slanderous. :D
4. Now just for 'stuff'. (Points to you in a dramatic manner and gives off all-important aura......Joking, joking. Couldn't help it) To tell you the truth, with someone like Artemis, the relationship is going to take time to grow. He isn't the kind of romanticist that falls in love at first sight, but the kind that gets to know people first and then fall in love. Now I know you're wondering "Okay, then what are you trying to imply here.....?" I'm trying to imply that chapter four is way too spontaneous. I'm expecting something more like forcibly being seated next to each other during class and also forcibly having to interact with one another instead of Artemis searching her out to appease his mother. Does that really sound like Artemis to you? Even if it's Angeline? The story should kind of move slowly, however irritating that is, to really pull it off. And now, at this point, most people would expect a waterfall of ideas being thrown in their faces. But since I'm too lazy to do that and you should have the talent to work everything out, I'm going to leave it to you and see what happens in the long run.
Date: 30/09/10 05:32:34 pm Title: Chapter 1
This is amazing! First off, welcome. Second off, AMAZING!!!! I couldn't have written anything like this. *shakes head* Just, wow.
Author's Response: I already write things, I just have never written fanfiction before XP -Lilytears